Some Big Changes

Sometimes life isn’t fair, and sometimes we make bad decisions. Well, I have made some bad decisions. I have let my drive to change the world and my mission to legalize cannabis take a higher priority than my faith and family….especially my wife.

I hurt her.

I hurt her badly.

It took two weeks of loneliness and isolation for me to see this. She has been reminding me of the person I was when we met: I was passionate about Jesus and wanted nothing more than for people to know Him.

Well, I want to get back to that person. Somehow, I got off track and became a monster to those closest to me. An excellent example is this blog, which has been my most read blog to date.

I look back and wonder, “What was I thinking?”

I wasn’t thinking. I got tunnel vision. I neglected everything dear to me. I am not doing this for her, but I am doing this because I love the Lord, and I don’t want to hurt people, especially those closest to me.

There is some mending to be done between me, my wife, and other family members. I used to think, “It’s just war, and war sometimes separates families.” Now I think, “KC is an idiot.”

Some of you may not know, but I have quit all illegal drugs. I will be thinning out my social media sites of cannabis, hallucinogens, and other things. It will be tough, because some of you are/were really good friends. Something that bugs me, though: good friends don’t encourage/facilitate people to leave their spouses.

Part of me feels like I was duped and listened to the wrong people. I let my priorities get all out of whack. I need to get back to my first love, which is Christ, and maybe, just maybe, He will provide the healing that is needed for me, my wife, and my family.

For those that are believers, please pray for us. We would appreciate it.

For the cannabis warriors and revolutionaries that are shocked by this, I encourage you in what you think is best. Not everyone has the same path, and I have reached the end of the line.

I wanted to change the world, and I did….I lost everything dear to me.

May God have mercy on my soul.

Wagen, over and out.

 

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War. What Is It Good For?

The time for graduating had come and gone. I was shipped out a short 3 weeks later.

The moment of swear-in was of great significance and impact. I don’t remember much, but I do remember these lines:

“I, Kevin Charles Wagenseller, do solemnly swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States of America from all threats, foreign and domestic.”

This is an oath I was serious about, and I haven’t stopped simply because I have been discharged. The Constitution and upholding and defending it from all threats…foreign AND domestic…this is something that remains close to my heart, and consumes my soul.

You see, the War on Terror was of great concern to me. If there was anything I could do to stop the terrorists from destroying more lives, then I was going to do it. I was a 15-year-old sophomore in high school when 9/11 happened, and it wasn’t until I was 22 and out of the Navy that I found out that the real terrorists were sitting in the “Executive Mansion,” as it was once called.

So, I find out the first war I train and fight in is a sham and use of power demonstrated by the ruling elite to gain banking, gold, and oil interests in the Middle East. It was never about people’s safety.

Now, I find myself entangled in a second war. The War on Drugs. The truth, I have been in this war for many years, but I did not see it as a war until the last two or three years, the seriousness of it escalating with each passing year.

There is a huge burden on my shoulders.

It’s like I can feel the pain of all the dying soldiers suffering from PTSD, chronic pain, or other serious disorders.

I feel for all the cops that are “just doing their jobs,” some in ignorance, and some in the “know.” Either way, they are in a tough spot, and they shouldn’t have to be.

Pain consumes me watching my minority friends get hauled off to jail over and over again for petty, victim-less crimes. Sure, I am thankful that I am ________ enough not to have much difficulty with law enforcement, but I couldn’t imagine feeling so oppressed that I would be driven to join a gang just for protection from racist and abusive law enforcement. This is a problem, and it needs to be addressed.

On top of it all, I am losing my wife, dogs, and home to this war, and I feel powerless to stop it. After 30 years, a car accident, two wars, and a troubled marriage later, I find myself having to accept that sometimes we are dealt bad hands, and we just have to play them.

I take hope that eventually this turn will pass, the deck will be shuffled, and I get another chance.

Life can be like that, if we let it.

Wagen, over and out.

A Perfect Circle

I know some of you will read the title and think of the band. It’s a decent band, but I am not talking about them. Today, I will explore the relationship between friends, family, and how they are classified in my circle.

I freely admit that my life is far from drama free. You can’t get rid of all of them, but you can put the brakes on some of it, whether by calling people out, or just disassociating with them. I have had to do some of both over the years.

In short, I have an inner circle of people that I hold really close. Some of them have been removed recently, but that was their own doing, even though they would probably disagree. Oh, well. It’s not their life.

This inner circle includes family by default (friends have to earn a spot), but they can fall out of good graces, and with me, it’s tough to get back. In fact, I basically ensure it’s impossible. Is that what Jesus would do? I don’t know, honestly, and I am not Jesus. I am just a man with big dreams to change the world, and I am not letting anyone shit on my dreams…especially people that claim to love me.

That’s not how this works.

That’s not how any of this works.

So, if you are reading this and you think, “It sounds like he is talking about me.” I probably am. If not, then the old saying goes, “If the shoe fits…”

Don’t hate the player, hate the game. I am the victim of a war. I know many of the privileged, religiously conservative people in my life don’t believe me, but it’s not really my obligation.

I’m just being me.

Take it or leave it.

Wagen, over and out.