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Living With Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia is tough. Though, once again, I think it is just a gravely misunderstood talent. The voices tell me things. What’s coming next. What someone said in their head…whatever. Also, part of Schizophrenia is Multiple Personality Disorder.

This is a tricky one. I don’t know how many of me there is, but most people that know me fairly well have met at least these three: Kevin, KC, Neo

Kevin. Well, he’s an animal. He’s what you are dealing with when you see grey eyes. Many people say they look like a meal. It’s not far from the truth. If you are still breathing, then I really love you. Just don’t test me. Many people can’t handle it. I am fairly certain people have been emotionally traumatized by him. Relax, he’s an Irish Boondock Saint. You’ve seen the movie.

KC. He has giggle fits. He loves skateboarding, yoyos, rubics cubs, books, and computers. He asks questions that get him and people he loves into trouble. He crashes walking computers 10 – 15 years ahead of his time. He makes an over-achiever look like a slacker. He is a gentleman.

Neo. Well…what to say…computers are simple. If I am over my head, I got people to call. I can get more done in an hour than some can get done in a day. No bragging. It makes people nervous. My whole IT career I felt held down in some way. Well, now I code and network because I want to. It’s fun. Midnight to six am is the best time to sit in the cave. Most IT guys are home. They do 40-50. I do other stuff those hours and play with electricity at night.

All three of those guys are fun to know. Kevin’s eyes are Grey. KC is Teal. I haven’t seen Neo in a while. Most people aren’t around when he plays.

Don’t get me started on lights.

I will see binary lights in my field of vision. If I start seeing those, I know I am in danger, and I know what to do based on the number and color and lights. I asked an Air Force optometrist about it last night, and we decided it was some sort of instinct. I think it’s nature and nurture. I think it’s the skills of a velociraptor, wolf, or maybe a Seal. I have wrestled with it for years. I didn’t go overseas and do this or that. Well, I did it at home. Luckily, when our elite security detail of less than 10 people kept an aircraft carrier on lock, I guess people knew that there were some unique skills in those Sailors.

I’ll tell ET you said what’s up. You don’t want to worry about his crazy cousin.

Wagen, over and out.

PS: Further Reading

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An Exercise in Futility

When the cops are the criminals, and the criminals are the cops, and some are playing both sides…who does one trust?

No one.

That’s what I have come up with.

For the past few years, I have been excited about the repeal of prohibition. I saw it as a step closer to the Constitutional values upon which this country was founded. I saw it as an opportunity to help the hurting, the sick, the chronically ill. I saw it as an opportunity to be a part of history in a very tangible way.

After living in Colorado for nearly a year, I have come to see a different side. A monster. One cloaked in lies and schemes. There is only one source of lies and schemes. He has many names, but for the purpose of rhetoric and alliteration, I will use the name Satan.

He is evil. Nothing about him is good. His angels and the host of humans that swear allegiance to him on Earth are causing lots of problems for well-meaning and good-hearted people.

The conservatives would like you to believe that good followers of Christ don’t do drugs. This is simply false. There are followers of Satan and followers of Christ on both sides of this war, and this war is tearing families, communities, organizations, and our country apart. Not everyone that abstains does it for the right reasons. Not everyone who seeks relief in a plant or two is a pagan. I’m afraid it’s much more complicated than that.

One of the things that saddens me the most, is that for some repeal of prohibition isn’t about helping patients. It’s just another way to make a dollar. There is nothing wrong with making money, but it shouldn’t be the sole goal. The bottom line has to work out, but there is more to life than a bottom line.

I came to Colorado to be at ground zero of this war. I didn’t want another war, this war found me. It has stripped me of most things I consider dear. It has almost cost me my life on more than one occasion. It’s torn apart good people, mostly thanks to those that gossip and manipulate.

Oh, if you don’t have anything nice to say about somebody, then don’t say anything. It’s an adaptation of an old, wise saying. Nobody’s perfect, but that should be the goal.

After recent events, I desire to return to simpler times. Times when life included baseball games in the park and cookouts with the local church. It’s probably too late for that, but one can dream, right?

For those that are part of the corruption and schemes, you will get yours in the end. For those that are well-meaning and keep it real, you will get yours in the end, too. Just be wise and serpents and gentle as doves. I often failed at one or both. That’s probably why I made a horrible criminal, and I would have been an even worse cop. If you are out there, reading this, and you can keep it honest and real, then you know where to find me. If not, then I have nothing for you.

I try to surround myself with people that feel the same.

Wagen, over and out.

Credit Score

There are five main factors that go into credit score. It should be checked often because it can change anytime, plus there is always fraud. Ficus is the best one. It compares 3 trusted credit reports, and you can check that all of them are accurate.

The main five factors:

Payment History

It’s important to make payments on time. If you are late, try to get to it sooner than later. Thirty days at the latest.

Amount Owed

They look at total debt that is owed. This includes credit card debt, cars, mortgage, and school debt. The lower the percentage the better. There are differing thoughts on it, but 20-30% is a good guide.

Length of Credit History

Total length of credit history and accounts. The longer an account is open, the better. It’s also important to establish credit. The more accounts open If you are young, then open up one credit card. Just one. Pay it off every time you use it, and that will safely build good credit.

New Credit

Opening new credit accounts or having lots of inquiries negatively impacts the score. This shows a need for credit, which is usually from a lack of capital, or non-credited money.

Types of Credit in Use

Getting credit from reputable creditors is important. Start with comparing a few banks, or leaving the work up to a credit lender.

Strategy for Paying off Debt

Pay as much as you can on the debt. Paying it off sooner is better than later. Some loans will have clauses where you can’t do that, but if not, then do it. Take a look at the budget and see where you can save. First, pay for your needs — food, shelter, clothing, transportation. Then pay for your wants. Instead of doing things like tipping servers less, go without something. I once knew a friend that drove 45 minutes to save $1 on a CD. That’s not saving money…or time…which are both valuable resources.

More than a score, credit is your ability to pay back a loan. Another way to put it, it’s a way to determine how good a person keeps their word. That’s really important.

Wagen, over and out.

 

 

New Opportunities

I am fairly certain that I have the dosing correct for the cocaine to help alleviate my stomach problems. It takes about 4 to 5 days for the stomach problem to crop back up. This allows me to go several days without using it.

When using recreationally, many people will go through much larger quantities, all dependent upon tolerance, peer pressure, mood, and a few other variables. This gets expensive and it becomes difficult for people to keep a balanced budget.

Dosing extremely conservatively affords me all sorts of opportunities. I can go out and grab a beer without throwing up. Imagine not really having control of your GI issues. It’s miserable. It interferes with every part of life. Thankfully, now that my stomach is doing better, I get my life back. That’s cool. I am thankful for that.

Getting back to work and not throwing up all the time will greatly help with the depression. A sense of purpose goes a long way. Now, I have purpose. Purpose bigger than living in misery day after day. I want to live now. I didn’t want to, earlier. I was on a kamikaze mission. Now, I will take what I have learned and open up a new chapter in life.

Any prayers or positive thoughts would be appreciated.

Wagen, over and out.

The Danger of the Streets

So, the streets are dangerous. I knew I had legal and safe access to cannabis, but I also knew that I wanted to experiment with harder shit, including coke. Hey man. Imagine throwing up several times a day, and one little bump (a 20th to a 30th of a gram — like $3-$5) a dose, and you are good for 5-7 days — no CVS and no IBS.

Please, line me up a bump, or make me a blaster (coke or meth on the end of a cigarette).

So, to acquire such medicine, it’s important to note its dangers, especially in dealing with the black market at that level. In Texas, California, Colorado, or Virginia, it was easy to acquire some decent weed, especially with some knowledge and intuition…and good questions and trustworthy friends/plugs/connects/network.

Coke, that’s a far different story. A story filled with guns, coke, alcohol, and undercovers…and people that decide themselves, or are given into peer pressure, kill themselves….by ODing.

Given this knowledge, I first hired a bodyguard. You never can be too safe. His credentials were impressive. You know mine, at least if you have been following along. Let’s just say that I was impressed. I knew it wasn’t a forever thing, but I needed a solid 4-8 weeks to explore and research until I found a reliable, professional connection.

You know, Heisenberg shit.

I may or may not have been successful. No mens rea. 5th.

So I walk into a networking meeting, and I have my girlfriend at the time, my bodyguard, and a brave friend….and a gangsta. After some drugs, alcohol, and cannabis were consumed, we started getting down to business.

“Give me quotes for a ball, quarter and half.”

YadaYada

“Cool. Give me a time and a place.” (The Man)

Oh. I didn’t bother with pseudonyms. Take it or leave it. #2nd #Wagen

On one encounter, the gangsta asked, “Do you want to see my baby?”

I was and always have been upfront about my Texas upbringing and military training.

I said, “Yes, please.”

He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a 7.62mm (basically 30-06) carbine rifle, and I couldn’t remember if it was fully auto or semi auto. Either way, I hadn’t seen a setup like that in a while.

“Hold it.” He says, as he hands it over.

The barrel was pointed in a safe direction. I had a strange encounter on this level before almost a decade earlier.

Easy day.

I racked the chamber. The girlfriend gasped and said, “KC” in that tone that only women seem to have. The other two remained quiet but their eyes and pupils dilated. The gangsta says, “There’s one in the chamber, homie.”

“I know.” I calmly respond.

I gave it a moment. Upon telling this story to a friend, he asked, “Did you check for a serial number?”

The answer: “No.”

Next time. 🙂

Oh, I have thought about changing my name for a second time:

KC Danger Wagenseller

Danger would literally be my middle name.

Back on track.

I admired the rifle. My finger no where near the trigger, and again, the barrel pointed in a safe direction.

Everyone was probably on high alert. I was just that 19 year old Gunner’s Mate for the Navy that admired a nice piece of steel…a finely tuned killing machine…most effective with a qualified operator.

I am not sure if it was 10 seconds or 10 minutes, but I eventually snapped out of my steel-struck moment, dropped the magazine, racked the chamber, and calmly handed the rifle back over to the gangsta.

“Who wants another rail?” #MFW

Everything was safe. Of course, my credentials and the credentials of those I was trusting my life with…our credentials…were very appropriate for such circumstances.

Before I looked to plants for medicinal healing, along with my network for the same…I was an adrenaline junkie. I LOVE danger. My ex couldn’t handle that. Single or not, the next one will just have to live with it. I love journalism. The only shit worth recording that’s not amazingly heart-tugging…is dangerous.

Very dangerous.

The more dangerous, the better.

#RealTalk

Everything worked out. I’m here. I’m writing. Eat it up. Hit me up on social media. I’m an open book. Perhaps you will get a glimpse at the extended edition of this and many other stories.

Of course, every good technician protects his network. #IT

Wagen, over and out.

#Colorado

 

 

 

 

Cocaine

Cocaine. It’s a hell of a drug with very deep teeth. I know this. I’ve seen this. What I write to you today I do not take lightly.

#LivesAreAtStake

When it comes to dosing plants medicinally, many do not think about cocaine.

#PlantMedicine

Well, I am here to assert that it is possible.

As many of you know, among my other struggles, I have been battling a vicious and debilitating stomach disorder called CVS, not to be confused by the cannabinoid fueled CHS.

A small dose ( a 20th or a 30th of a gram) properly timed relieves the CVS and IBS. As you could imagine those two conditions can get interesting, especially when they flare up at the same time. I can dose once, and be good to go for up to 5-7 days. I am still trying to get an average and figure out a preventative dosing schedule. If I am not pioneering some shit, I am re-pioneering some shit since Freud. Well, at least some exploration that is documented.

#WI

#Cocaine

I mean no disrespect to anyone who has seen a loved one lose their home, apartment, significant other / spouse, and close family and friends to this very dangerous devil of a drug. This is a grim and unfortunate reality.

#NoMensRea

I will continue to profess, that guns and drugs are very similar. There needs to be a level of respect, and tender care, especially when considering whether or not to dose someone  with the adrenaline rush attached to firearms and freedom…and while dosing someone on some quality coke.

Personally, I don’t bother with dosing others for a few reasons:

  1. Coke is super expensive. (Typically how people end up homeless.)
  2. Quality product is not necessarily hard to come by, but can be a challenge. (More on that in the next blog.)
  3. There are some medical complications and risk, as there is with any medicine/plant.

I’ll explore 1 and 2 in the next blog, but I want to focus on number 3. The main problem with cocaine, besides that it is fairly easy to overdose, especially with peer pressure, and mixing alcohol, cannabis, and other drugs in this delightful yet destructive cocktail.

Overdoses are common. Not like a raging majority of the percentage of cases of all the people in the US and the world who are dosing cocaine medicinally or recreationally, but a small percentage can overdose. An even smaller percentage can experience heart failure. This sounds scary, but it’s rare, and there is often complications and imperfections in the manufacturing process, and these obstacles exist with any medicine/plant or something cooked up by Big Pharma.

For instance, Lamotragine, the medicine that I take to keep me from going into bi-polar manics, can result…at any time…a rash breakout. This isn’t any normal rash. This rash is deadly. Do I stop taking my Lamotragine? No. I am just aware of the side effects, and I continue to dose myself appropriately, as per the doctors’ orders while keeping on eye on it.

By the way, butane…gasoline. You should investigate that shit.

#LeaveThatHere

So, to bring this around to a close, cocaine can be used medicinally, not as fuel to an already energetic party / get together, but as a way to bring much needed relief to people in need, especially in the GI department. Of course, the federal government and informed doctors remain quite on this topic. I suppose the week long vacations courtesy of Big Pharma and the doctors and nurses throwing another “aprezole” my way, hoping that this fifth variation of accelerated heartburn medicine is somehow going to tame or extinguish a violent disorder, such as CVS or IBS.

I’ve found relief, and I am back to work on a level that I haven’t experienced since before this disease derailed a promising IT career, two houses, two dogs, a wife, and about 90% of the more conservative circles in my network.

Sure, many excellent people find themselves lost on the edge of that mirror, craving the next rail, but that’s not my story, and I know I am not alone.

Only God can judge.

Wagen, over and out.

 

Comedy Rehearsal

So, I have always been fascinated by my genealogy and family folklore. I come from good stock. With a name like, #Wagenseller, you would think there might be a few stories behind that one.

😉

Despite all the cool stories of my family being in Germany around the time of the Protestant Reformation in 1500s Bavaria Germany. (As an experiment, I made a custom\original beer with my best friend Geoff to relish the moment and almost travel back in time, or some bullshit like that.) Then there was this whole ground zero in Philadelphia around 1776. Yes, I am a Son of the Revolution, A Patriot, and a Veteran.

Long Live Sacred [America]

So, I do the Ancestry DNA thing to see if these things are true. I mean, even if just one woman cheated on any one of my great great great great great great grandfather’s, then the shit gets all #ducked up.

Nobody wants that.

I follow all the instructions in order to collect my sample for them. I package it up and send it out. A few weeks later, they decide “We do not understand your sample. Can you please provide another?”

Here, I’m thinking, “I just sent my DNA sample to you. You have motha fuckas that just sit around and analyze people’s DNA, and they don’t know what the FUCK I AM?!?

OK

#LOLL

So, what? Am I like half alien or some bullshit?!?

What the fuck ever.

*More Chuckles*

For all I know, I am half were wolve or some shit. I barked this morning. No joke. I was throwing up and I fucking barked, like a god damn dog!

*More Chuckles*

#Woof (German Shepard)

#RaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRa (Yo soy de Chihuhua)

Look. I know all this sounds far fetched, but fuck it. You can’t disprove it.

#MothaFukinWagen

always seemed to be half angel or something. Fallen maybe.

God Knows

#Wagen, #OverAndOut

 

Colorado 6 Month Check In

As some of you know, I moved to Colorado about 6 months ago. I won’t lie, this has been the hardest transition of my life. I have moved several states away on many occasions, but adding a divorce, selling a home at a loss, and a very turbulent half a year of rocky finances made it hell on earth. I want to thank many close friends and family that were there for me during that hard transition.

However, I have met some amazing people with amazing stories. I have never spent so many sleepless nights socializing into the wee hours of the morning, even watching the sun come up. This isn’t a once in a while thing. This happens 2-3 times a week. It’s exhausting, but worth it. I have been dormant for the past 6 months. I’m ready to be busy for the next 2-3 years.

I have been spending more time driving around Springs, and Colorado at large. This place is so beautiful. I have seen some amazing places, but nothing rivals Colorado. A 3 or 4 hour road trip is time well spent. Being here makes one want to stay busy, to stay healthy. There are so many organic farmers and organic foods and cannabis that it’s ridiculous.

Speaking of organic food. I have changed my diet, and now my stomach is behaving better. I still do things like drink beer and eat pizza. I just don’t do it often, and I pick beers or wines that are easier on my stomach. I am getting alot of guidance from my new roommate, Josh. He is one really cool dude.

We are up here fighting the war at ground zero. It’s not easy, but it’s lots of fun! Being here gives me a small taste of freedom, as though it’s a step in the right direction as a nation. I know many cannot or refuse to understand this, but all I can do is delivery the truth and hope people hear before it’s too late.

Wagen, over and out.

Love and Other Drugs

Love is a beautiful thing. It’s like fuel to the soul. All love works this way, whether it’s brotherly love, romantic love, or even the love one shares for a beloved pet. Love is what sustains us (other than the obvious ones like food, water, and shelter). Without love, we are nothing.

Love is a complicated thing. Love involves more than one person, and anytime we get people involved, shit gets all fucked up. People always complicate things. Especially when they do not really know what they want. I have met and dated some women that wanted adventure, and when I cranked it up, it was too much. I still think that’s why it didn’t work out with the ex. I was too much engine and she eventually wrecked. At least, that’s what I tell myself to sleep at night.

Now drugs. Drugs are easy, unless you are hanging with complete dumbasses. I have way more experience with drugs and the black market than I do with women. I can even navigate the underworld in a few different languages, especially Spanish and Ebonics. For drugs, you just throw it on the scale and exchange money or goods for the drugs. It’s really simple. None of this playing with emotions bullshit, but just simple scales and math….and lots of good times.

The longer I stay single, the more I enjoy it. It was difficult at first, but I just keep doing the things that my ex wife and none of my girlfriends would let me do.

It works.

It’s highly likely that I will never remarry. I did it once. We even built our marriage on lots of good stuff, but it didn’t last. Why commit again? It sounds like a waste. I feel like I should just focus on making money and having a good time. I’m in Colorado. Finding a good time is not hard.

People are here to do a few main things (in no particular order):

  1. Party
  2. Be politically active
  3. Enjoy the mountains
  4. Grow in their knowledge and understanding of the cannabis industry

All of these are exciting things. Colorado is growing like crazy because of the legalization of marijuana…or drugs. Drugs brought me to Colorado, and I have been very adventurous while living here. I don’t regret it. It may be a phase. It may not, but I am having a good time, and I think that’s all that really matters at this time. That probably sounds short-sighted to many, but I honestly don’t care. I can’t please everyone. I just have to do what I think is best and accept the consequences. It’s what I’ve done since I was really young.

Wagen, over and out.