Have any of you ever felt conflicted on something?
Lots of things.
For instance, I have recently decided to start taking my faith seriously again. However, the mental disorders make it difficult to truly believe what I read in the scripture, or what is taught to me from a pulpit.
I sometimes wonder if my times of zeal for Jesus and the Gospel could be explained as bi-polar manics.
I sometimes wonder if the times I believed I heard God in prayer, if those were really schizophrenic episodes.
Some of my doctors seem to think so, but that doesn’t mean they are right, either.
Being bi-polar is especially difficult because I really can’t get too excited/agitated or I could go into a manic…which could eventually lead to psychosis.
This is also true of my passion for Jesus and the Gospel.
Here is a good example of what I mean:
Mark 12:41-44 says this, “Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, ‘Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.’”
In short, Jesus was pleased by the widow who gave everything she had to live on.
The bi-polar person in me sees this and thinks, “Jesus would be pleased if I gave all my money to a local church.” Surely there is a way to hermeneutically dance around it, but the reality is that I, and most of us, are more like the religious people that give out of their wealth.
So, one can explain the passage away…making it more comfortable for the masses…or deal with the reality that the widow pleased the Lord more than the other people who gave out of their wealth.
But if someone gave everything away…all they had to live on…then how would they live? How would they feed themselves? Their loved ones? How would they get to work?
Scripture is tough to understand and obey, but it’s even tougher with mental disorders. I have read the Judeo-Christian Bible through several times, and passages like this one are difficult for me to deal with, especially when it comes to application.
This doesn’t mean that I give up. It just means that I have more obstacles to climb.
Faith in itself is a paradox. A friend once told me, “We have to accept the Scriptures as they are, and live with a healthy tension. We weren’t meant to fully understand them.”
Part of me sees the wisdom in this, and part of me struggles with it.
I want to understand.
I want to please the Lord.
Hopefully His Spirit and some good teaching/mentoring will help along the way.
Wagen, over and out.