Bi-polar, Schizophrenia, and PTSD

For those that don’t know me, this blog will probably strike you as strange. I am a total wreck, literally. Not only am I a functioning “alcoholic” and “drug addict,” but I deal with severe chronic pain, the loss of two organs, a third failing organ, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, and PTSD…all service connected. So, as I sip my Jim Bean Apple / Iced Tea mix and listen to some old Slipknot, I am going to pour my heart out on this page and hope that something gets through.

It all started with being raised in Texas. My oppressive religious upbringing is nothing to be gawked at. My parents did the best they could, and I would defend them with my life, but I have a seared conscience. Nonetheless, I believe the tenants of Christianity and press on in faith, knowing that Jesus is bigger than me or my problems. For more depth on the topic, read, “Religious? No. Spiritual? Yes.”

From there, we transition to a major car accident. For more in depth look at it, read “When the Grim Reaper Calls.” In short, I know what it is like to have life stripped away, and feel completely helpless to this reality. It’s not something that is easy to cope with, nor do I think it will just go away. I will have to live with it. I tell me wife on multiple occasions, “I am 29 years old, retired, and dying. You will have to come to terms with this at some point.”

Next, we have my military experience. I was a trained and ordained killer. I am not a monster. Instead, like Solomon, I believe there is “A Time To Kill.” For more information on this topic, you should read, “Was the Apostle Paul and Assassin or Monk?” This will help you understand the struggle with full clarity…I hope. You could also read “Wanna Play Football” for another perspective.

The grim story — my mental and physical disorders have caused me to reach out to alcohol and cannabis for some relief. Cannabis is BY FAR the best choice of the two, and I have become an activist as a result. Sometime this week, I intend to write my congressman and the governor regarding my situation, hoping that some legislation will move across the Texas government because of brave veterans like myself.

My life choices have caused a strain in my marriage. My wife and I are on the brink of divorce. She is having a difficult time coping with the mental/physical illness, and the outlets that I choose. I have prayed on many occasions asking God to take it from me, but like Paul, the answer seems to be, “No.” For whatever reason, I have to trust that this is His perfect will, despite how confusing it is for me and everyone involved. For those reading this, please pray for us. I even want to be selfish and pray for healing, but I would be satisfied if my wife and her family could look upon me with compassion, realizing that I am not a threat, and that I love them dearly. I want to thank all the family and friends that have stood in my corner through the ups and downs…literally. I guess this is the life of a retired soldier. I won’t complain, and I don’t regret my choices. I just echo the cries of William Wallace, “They can take our lives, but they will never take our FREEDOM!”

Wagen, over and out.

2 comments

  1. K C. Hi this is Beth Ann Jaynes. Not sure if you remember me but I am Karen Holcomb’s sister. My heart goes out to you. Having constant pain myself, I know being willing to do anything for a little relief. I even have an implanted pain pump that delivers 4.1mgs of Morphine directly to my brain over a 24hr period every day. It takes the edge off but that’s it. It would be great if they would have legal medical marijuana. Between your accident and your service to our country (which I thank you for) it’s no wonder you are in the boat your in. What about finding someone you could fall to. You might have to shop around. Try five, six, or even ten different folks if you have to. Not for them to change or fix you but to let you unburden yourself. It dies help. I will pray for your family situation. Maybe if you find someone to talk to they could help your wife understand. Who knows. Please give it it some thought. Don’t just dismiss it with out thinking about it first. Just cause you tried x number of years ago and it didn’t help, doesn’t mean it wouldn’t now. You just have to find the right person. I finally did, saw them for ten years and we still talk with each other twenty years later. It’s made a huge difference in my life and my thought process. Did not mean to preach or harp.

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    • Hey Beth Ann! Thank you for your kind words, and I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with pain, as well. It’s no fun, that’s for sure. My wife and I are planning on getting more involved in our local church and in NOMI — the National Organization for Mental Illness. This should help us in our journey. We are also undergoing marriage counseling, and I am in individual therapy sessions, as well. In short, I think my life would be much better if politicians and the common person would understand how much medical cannabis could help people like us. This is why I have become so outspoken. Most people just think I am some raving pothead. It’s not true, and it is just one of many stereotypes that we are having to fight in this uphill battle. My heart goes out to you! My thoughts and prayers do as well. Thanks for reading and responding to my blog. It means the world.

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